/hikki/ - Hikikomori

i was a fat kid
over 300lbs around 12 years old.
I lost it all but have horrific flabby skin. I'll never be take my shirt off in public or be naked with somebody.

but I look okay with clothes on. it's actually amazing, nobody is repulsed by me where ever I go. sometimes I feel normal in public and even relaxed. I look like an average person and for me it's a real privilege but I still struggle to contain my power level when people talk to me.

I have always preferred to be like this.

i look normal besides the anorexia. i haven't felt truly happy since puberty perhaps 12 years ago, something in my mind changed i think. overthinking has caused most of my problems i guess or my anxiety in situations around others. now i consider myself a tragic artist. if you paint without the depression and feelings then well, youre..not a real artist youre just a dumb normie? i dont know. people are too mean to others. i never say anything rude to people and think before i say anything always. god and christ have blessed me in most ways i feel. suicide is a sin and here i am.

Was too intelligent for my own good and also a fuckup.

I just had things coming towards me, i suppose i could go into details but they are all boring really.

i had an overbite which developed when i was around 14,15. before that, my life wasn't too bad, i always preferred to be alone but i had friends when i was in kindergarden and pre school,then it got less. i was always the weird kid out. after being 14,15 i got bullied until i left school early at 18, i never finished school. i was always very private, no one shared any of my interests and everyone elses conversation seems strange to me, it was so meaningless. i got more and more reclusive. i had a surgery that went wrong and well, now i am here. i doubt i will ever leave the house again, and to be honest, i enjoy it. i dont want to live or be part of this, so i just rot away

Screened for mental defect at age 3. Once you're screened, you're done, and the system will NOT let you succeed, only nepotism and bribery can manage to pass the filter and only temporarily.

Well, I blame my older brother. He was born four years before me, and has been a huge influence for first decade and a half of my life.
He made fun of me, of my friends, of TV shows I watched, everything, even things we shared like video games.
We also had a room together, and I was always the kind of kid to feel super sleepy at 8pm.. he wasn't, he was waking me up, making fun of me, basically he is the only person I cried because of.
By the time I realized he is full of shit, I was already an insecure, anime watching, 4chan browsing shut-in. I only felt good about myself after working for money on a ship, but that didn't last long. The only girls I attracted were equally or even more fucked-up in the head than me, but they never lasted more than a month with me.
Despite not being bad looking, and taking care of myself and having hobbies, I will never feel like I'm a proper human being. My best friends are literally my Mom and my dog.

>>4267
On the other hand, while my free time is near useless when I'm broke, having more than 15$ per month of an allowance allowed me to develop new hobbies like playing piano. Despite being the odd one out of most social groups, I like myself, and I don't find myself a bad guy.. just… mislead and taking a lot of time to recover.

I've always felt disconnected from everything around me. Since I was a kid, I didn't really understand the appeal of most things and was perfectly content to stay at home. I'd have neighboring kids from school ask me to go outside with them and my response would be no. And since then, it hasn't changed. I'm fine with staying in my room, adopting records as friends instead of people. Sure, I'm depressed as fuck and have a hell of a hard time finding anyone I connect with, but I'm better off. Looking outside today, I'm not missing much.

I get stuck in my head a lot. I forget about other people, ignore my responsibilities, and focus on nothing but what I'm interested in. A lot of the time that's a book or some form of media. This is when I'm most content, when I'm completely consumed by a piece of art. Sleeping, eating, and masturbating are good also.

I become very nervous and impulsive when I'm around other people. This encourages me to withdraw from social situations, often unconsciously. I naturally prefer being alone and I think I've always had this tendency, though it was not quite as strong when I was younger.

I distrust and dislike most people. That might stem from distrusting and disliking myself, but I feel that my misanthropy is usually justified. More people would dislike themselves too if they looked in the mirror a little harder.

I think that these are all traits of obsessive and anxious people. My mother had severe anxiety problems when she was younger. My grandfather suffers from an obsessive-compulsive disorder. He's lived alone in a small apartment in South America for the past thirty years. That's my future – I'm going to be a crazy old man locked up in a dirty apartment, declared incompetent by the state, alone, confused, and still trapped in my head. In a masochistic way, I'm looking forward to it.

>>4265
you mean concerning a job?
what shit country do you live in, it's not like you're buying a gun.

Cannabis. Weed. Grass. Whatever you want to call it. It may sound silly to a lot of you "hurr weed is harmless" but I can honestly say it destroyed me life, or I destroyed my life using it. Used to be a smart kid until my best friend started smoking and I just wanted to fit in really and I thought it would be a lot of fun and the most important thing I thought that ended up to my situation now is that I thought it was a completely harmless drug pretty much. I watched my dad smoke from an early age, and he was fine right? So why the hell can't I? Well probably because my mum is bipolar and I started smoking at 14. After about 4 years of it I became gradually more and more withdrawn but never really noticed it, until when my friends would ask me to hang out go to a party or whatever I would always just decline and tell them sorry maybe next time, next time kept coming but I just couldn't bring myself to go outside and see them, my best friends, the people I knew my whole life. At the beginning I actually thought I developed autism (LOL) but it was obviously cause of the smoke. Then the paranoia really started. At this point I had one good friend left who would still come and see me at my house, we used to always hang out and smoke and stuff cuz it's what we always did. But everytime I was with him I started thinking he was in with the police to catch me out for smoking, I thought he was poising my food with drugs, I thought he and another friend kept making gay jokes at me, all kinds of shit. Eventually I just snapped believing my only friend in the world was out to make me look like a fool so I just stopped answering the door when he would ring the doorbell. I couldn't even bring myself to tell him why because I thought he would beat me up or something. Been a lonely hikki pretty much ever since.

>>4410

This might just be confirmation bias. Weed definitely isn't harmless, it fucks up your memory centres at the very least, but consider the following.

You started becoming withdrawn in early teenage years and it worsened over time. This is what most hikkis experience; whether they do durghs or not.

Social expectations are like a trickle of water, and individuals are like cups of varying size.

Hikkis can fill up their ability to meet social expectations at the same rate as other children, until they start overflowing, and then they fall behind rapidly. Hikkis are teacups and everyone else are 40 ouncers.

We begin to fall behind in early teenage years and become totally unable to cope by high school. It happens this way to almost every single hikki.

I was born to two druggie parents, and my father was abusive to both me and my mother. They did anything they could get their hands on, but mainly meth and coke. I was adopted by my mom's dad, who was also a druggie and lived with his mom so she ended up caring for me. We were very poor and we had to help take care of our disabled uncle. I remember at one point we didn't have running water and electricity. Then school started. Throughout elementary and part of middle school I was bullied extensively. People went out of their way to make me feel like I didn't belong. In 7th grade we moved and I switched schools. I was quiet in the early years but as things went on I thought everything was gonna be fine, as I was no longer bulled and everyone was super nice! But around 10th grade I noticed I was losing motivation and becoming very depressed and anxious, and I attempted suicide (Hanging) which was a secret until my senior year, where I tried again. Only this time, I ended up going to the hospital, therapy, meds, etc… Diagnosed with Social Anxiety and Major Depressive Disorder. It's weird because things went from Bad to good to worse in my case. Decided to do online school and graduated through my original high school, so that's nice. Anyway, I got accepted to university and 4 weeks in I attempted to overdose on Fluvoxamine and Clonidine. Now I'm back home, with more meds than ever. I may not necessarily be a Hikki but things are getting worse and I'm trying so hard to make it work, for my families sake, but it's so hard. I've been thinking of getting on SSI because I'm back to living with my real mom (She got off drugs the day we were taken away and she basically got custody of me at 14) and we live with her mom since it saves us a lot of money since she owns the house. However, she is extremely mentally abusive, selfish, and manipulative. I want to be able to move out if my mom ever decides too (It's been considered before) so I want to be able to have the money. I'd be helping with bills/rent whether we move or stay, though. However, I'm afraid of bringing it up to her for help because I feel like I'd be denied anyway.


I dunno I kinda rambled towards the end but that's my story.

>>4431
I know for sure it has deeply changed me as a person. Maybe I would still be hikki, I've always had anxiety to a degree, but smoking really brought it out. If I never had so many paranoid thoughts and delusions I don't see how I would still end up like this.

>>4222
That can be surgically fixed with little discomfort.

>>4447 is mine
There is more of course

>>4445
I could give a shit about discomfort if I would just look normal

but something tells me that's impossible. I look like this guy and any surgery I could afford would probably leave my torso looking like frankenstein.

>>4461

Do intermittent fasting. That guy has subcutaneous fat under his skin causing it to sag like that. Skin is elastic like rubber, it doesn't sag, it wrinkles up. I've lost 100 pounds and 10 inches off my waist and have no sagging.

Just think about animals like bears that gain hundreds of pounds and then hibernate it all off in winter and come out of their caves looking like medium sized dogs on the verge of starvation. They have heavy coats, yet they don't sag off their bodies. Fasting causes you to lose the skin fat which causes it to droop.

re: drugs

I have adverse reactions to just about every psychoactive drug commonly prescribed. SSRIs ruined my entire childhood, and the quacks kept feeding them to me until I was 16. After that I was written off as invalid, placed on drugs which are basically used for crowd control (risperidone), and taken off of them once my family ran out of insurance.

The whole system is set up to destroy people. It was my fault for being screened and not having the good sense to kill myself, but the damage is now done.

This world is a nightmare. I'm not intelligent, I have no talents or virtues to speak of, but I tried to do good. The more I tried, the more they laughed at me and the more I'd be kicked down. I was too stupid to realize that being screened is DEATH DEATH DEATH and I was only making it worse by trying. All for eugenics. All for the sake of a bunch of assholes. They laughed, and laughed, and laughed, and will keep laughing forever and ever.

There are times I think to myself that the world doesn't have to be like this, and I don't have to live the life that I do, but it's not my decision to make. What this society wants is a bunch of thugs and murdering murderers, and people like me are hated - perhaps only because of an arbitrary screening process. It's not so much what I did or even what I am, but that this society needs someone to be a failure, and once marked there is NO WAY OUT.

There is no hope.

>>4464

While you are correct, after a certain point your skin loses that elasticity and you'll have sag with large amounts of weight loss regardless.

>>4410
exact same life story here…